Attack of the Smart Phone, 2

Me (to a really hot girl):

I really wish you were here right now. I could use a hug. I’m in a really downer mood right now.


Enter the “Smart” phone.



I really wish you were here right now. I could use a hug. I’m in a really diabetic mood right now.


…you have diabetes?


No lol I meant to say downer…


Downer is spelled nothing like diabetic…why didn’t you tell me? You know how germaphobic I am. I think we should stop talking…


Stupid Smart Phone!

(Ok this one is fictional. But it almost happened. Does that count?)


Attack of the Smart Phone, 1

My text to my dad (or something very similar):

“I’ve been in bed relaxing today. My stomach is upset and I have a bad case of the shits”—–


Enter the “Smart” phone.

“”I’ve been in bed relaxing today. My stomach is upset and I have a bad case of the shots”—–



Ok just be careful, you don’t want to be drinking that much.


I don’t drink, Dad. I meant to say shits but the phone changed it.

Dad: Ok. I saw shots shits so…


Dumb Smart Phone!!!


The Universal Committee on Life’s Verdict on Humanity, part 1

Have you ever gotten the feeling like you’re being watched, only to look around and find nothing, and then just shrug it off as nonsense?

Don’t mind me. I’m just an anonymous State Department employee who has access to the most top secret government documents of all time. One would think that the CIA would be the ones hiding these, but they’re not. We have them. That way if the public ever did force the CIA to make public all of their most treasured intelligence secrets they wouldn’t have to because the State Department has them all. Ah, bureaucracy at its finest.

But anyways, what was I saying? Oh yeah. I just found out after looking through a bunch of these documents all day and almost literally having my eyes dry out from not blinking for hours at a time that everyone has a reason to feel like they’re being watched. We all are. Even now as I continue to pour through all of these fascinating pages I’m being watched. I never would have known that had I not been given the task of shredding certain pieces of information that the government wants to forget about. The fact that I’m secretly recording everything I read in a tiny little camera I have hidden inside my glasses kind of beats the purpose of recording. It’d make more sense to just stuff all these papers in a briefcase and say that I shredded everything. But that would just look suspicious. I mean, who just carries around briefcases anymore? I’d surely be chased down and shot to death by the FBI if they saw me carrying around a briefcase. It’s the same as carrying around a big poster that says “I AM A TRAITOR, SHOOT ME.”

But I value my life way too much for that. I think I’ll stick to the camera…

Remember after Yuri Gagarin went into space in 1961 and Nikita Khrushchev boldly told the world that there was no God up there? I wish I had papers in my hand to prove whether or not God does exist, but unfortunately the CIA doesn’t even have the power to breach the realm of the Almighty.

To be honest, the CIA is a big joke. I mean, they don’t have the guts to hang onto their own secrets so they give them to the most honest department for safekeeping, only to have the least-honest person on the entire government payroll reading through them all. I mean, even after 65 years they still maintain that the object that crashed at Roswell, New Mexico was a weather balloon. There are so many conspiracy theories going around about it being this or that, this or that that they should just open up and tell the truth. What good is it not letting the world know that the “weather balloon” was in fact a scouting ship from the alien Kingdom that crashed because of engine troubles? I’m sure most people probably figure that it was an alien ship in the first place. Why keep people in suspense?

So yes, we are not alone in the universe.  How do I know this?

Well for starters, I have hundreds of documents in my hands showing that intelligent, extraterrestrial life forms have made contact with Earth for thousands of years. What I don’t know is how we came to be in possession of this information in the first place. Some of it, I’m sure, came from the crash in 1947. Others must have come from other crash sites that the government has succeeded in keeping out of the public’s eye despite some people’s stubborn pursuit of such events.

However, there is a very interesting pile of evidence that is just so unbelievable that I can’t tell if it’s real or not. If it is real then I definitely need to make sure that I copy those papers a second time. While I’m doing that I think I’ll go ahead and give a general overview as to what is contained in these papers so anybody who might view this recording in the future will have something to listen to as they slave over hundreds and hundreds of top-drawer secrets. I say again, I do not know if the following story is true or not, but seeing as how the government wants it gone then I can turn it into a fictional story, which is something I always wanted to do. Go sci fi!


(All Rights Reserved.)

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The American Influence Number 1

At Disney when you forget your nametag you have to borrow a spare one. More often than not you get “Chris from Orlando” whether you’re a guy or a girl. But one night one of my male managers, who is from Haiti, was behind the counter wearing a “Nancy” nametag. He was serving a young foreign couple, and as soon as they saw his nametag, they looked scared and looked first to me and then to each other and said, “In America men are Nancies?”

I noticed afterward that the lady was pregant. I have no idea what country they’re from, but I’m sure that in a few months from now there will be a newborn Russian or Czech baby boy named Nancy, and his parents will say that “that’s what they name boys in America…”

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The Vampire Roommates from Oregon

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I’m doing the Disney College Program at Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL. Despite the fact that I’m not loving it like I thought I was going to (like I said I’ll write a post in August explaining where the Disney Magic really comes from) it has also been an amazing opportunity and is the very first time I can seriously say that I’m out of my parents house and on my own. Not only does Disney assign you to one of three fairly nice apartment complexes, they also assign you a certain number of roommates depending on how many bedrooms your place has. I had to be stubborn and pay an extra ten dollars to get a two-bedroom place, so that landed me three roomies. One of them has become my best friend, Ryan David, who was in part the one who pushed me to start up this blog. The other two are The Twins. I’m sure as time goes on you’ll be hearing alot more about their antics and activities, but to be fair to them in case they ever do become readers of mine I’ll keep their names anonymous (for now).

The Twins aren’t bad guys at all. They took me to Planet Hollywood on our second night at Disney to celebrate my 22nd birthday, and really made my night. I’m glad that I get along with all three of them, because when I was in the Marine Corps I had a roommate who got drunk nightly and melted a lightswitch because it wouldn’t turn on by itself when he told it to. People wonder why I refuse to get drunk…

The Twins are mysterious creatures. You never know when they’re home or not because they shelter themselves up in their room with the door locked at all hours of the day. Except for the few minutes they (sometimes) come out to make food they never leave bedroom number two. I suppose with a big stash of candy, a bathroom and wireless internet you’d probably never have to leave the room, but still. Our apartment came with a nice couch and a big sofa chair but I am 159% sure that they have never sat on any of it. Their room is so deathly quiet most of the time I am sometimes convinced that they are both vampires and sleep all day and come out at night. Ironically the only time I ever see them anymore is at night…

Ryan always laughs about The Twins’ choice of food. They buy all the normal college student groceries, but always the Great Value brand. Ryan has an obsession with this peculiarity. He’s always making weird comments about Great Value, so whenever I bring up our two mysterious friends in the other room he always comes back with a Great Value remark. I seriously regret buying a box of Great Value trash bags the other night, because Ryan has not ceased picking on my about going into business with The Twins and taking over Wal-Mart

I think that’s enough about those two for now. They’re not really crazy vampires they just have a lot of school work and are usually exhausted. Its very hard not to be in this program. I’m sure once the semster is done we’ll see a lot more of them, and maybe Ryan and I can curb their addiction to Great Value…

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Captain America: The First Avenger (The Bomb!)

San Diego Comic-Con 2011 - Captain America: th...

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Words can not express how much I loved Chris Evans in Marvel’s latest superhero film. I had been looking forward to that movie for lord know’s how long. I was very disappointed to see that it wasn’t the biggest blockbuster hit of the summer, but hopefully Josh Wheddon’s “The Avengers”–also starring Chris Evans as Captain America–will blow every movie ever made out of the water. I don’t see how having Cap, Iron Man, The Hulk, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Nick Fury all in one movie (and fighting aliens, too 🙂 ) could not be the biggest movie of all time. I’m not saying that just because of the superheroes (although that was what was on my mind when I decided to write this line) but because of the various different styles of acting, the bringing together of many popular and talented actors of today and a chance to see Scarlett Johannson  kick some more butt like she did in “Iron Man 2”

But moving on to “Old Wingtips”, I really, really enjoyed that movie. I went and saw it like five times in the theater, it was so good. I thought it was really funny how when we first see Steve Rogers in the recruiting office after he puts his paper down we see Chris Evan’s GIANT head on top of a tint little body that couldn’t support it. That didn’t bother me  too much, I thought it was pretty funny. What we see in our first impression of Steve Rogers is a young man with great ambition, who is willing to do whatever it takes in order to go fight overseas. He is selfless and strong, but not headstrong. He knows he is not better than anybody else. He just wants to be a simple soldier. Luckily, he says his lines at the right time, and Dr. Erskine–played by Stanley Tucci–signs him off so he can join The Strategic Scientific Reserve (the movie’s version of Project Rebirth). The SSR’s goal is to develop “a new breed of super soldiers.” Despite initial doubts by Tommy Lee Jones’s character Col. Phillips, Steve is chosen to be the first super soldier. Just in time too, as the villainous HYDRA leader Johan Schmidt sends an assasin to steal the formula and murder the good doctor. He escapes, but can’t get too far before the newest super soldier is on his tail, jumping from car to car and over high fences like an Olympic gold-medalist (platinum, if there was a such thing.)

What really caught my eye when it got to this part was how deep Steve really was as a person. Just a little earlier on in the movie, Erskine told him that no matter what happens he must always remember who he is. “Not a perfect soldier, but a good man.” So when the assasin grabs a young boy and hurls him into the water, I was touched to see that he was willing to let the killer of his dear mentor escape just so he could have time to save a boy he didn’t even know. That right there makes him the best superhero Marvel has ever put on the big screen. Cap is a real hero, my brother said after the movie was over. And I agree with him.  A selfless, courageous, honorable man who considers himself no better than anybody else even though he is physically and mentally at the peak of humanity. Sure, he has flaws. He knows this. I think in a way he relishes that he’s not invinsible. Nothing in the movie neccesarily points to anything like that, but if you look at his personality and how he reacts to certain things in the film, it couldn’t hurt to assume that.

I think it’d be a waste of time talking anymore about the plot, especially for those of you who may not have seen it yet, so I’m just going to talk a little bit more about some of the criticism I’ve been hearing about the movie.

One thing I’ve been hearing alot is his costume in the film (I’m talking about his second one, not the USO-knock off of his original comic book costume.) I agree it looks little like any of his costumes from the comics, but you have two look at any criticism like this from every perceivable angle. One, this film is set in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Believe it or not, this is just one of many Marvel Comic alternate universes. So in a sense, the movie doesn’t have to follow anything from the comic books if they didn’t want to. Things have to be adapted so that they can work in a live-action movie, after all. Secondly, we have to look at what Cap’s up against in the film. He’s facing high-tech HYDRA agents with weapons fuled by a Cosmic Cube. Some of the bigger HYDRA goons also have flamethrowers. Thus, it is only fitting that his suit looks like it is somewhat fire-resistant. It could have been a better costume, but it worked out ok for his World War Two costume. From here on out he’s in the 21st Century, so Marvel will have to be a bit more creative when it comes to any future costume of his.

Another major thing I’ve been hearing is about the special effects. people have said that they were too much like that of a video game. I have to admit that I never saw it in 3-D, but I know several good scenes in the movie where that would come in handy. But I have to agree that the special effects could have been much, much better. They could have done away with alot of the slow motion and speed up the fights a little bit. We don’t have to see Captain America kick a HYDRA soldier and send him flying and watch the enemy fall down in slow motion, and then see Cap’s leg go down afterward. Scenes like that deserve to be sped up, just to show us how strong and amazing Cap is as a hero. Another scene I didn’t like was when Cap was swinging on a chain over the army of HYDRA agents who were busy fighting the U.S. Army–this was also done in slow motion. Why? That was not a dramatic scene. Why place the emphasis on him swinging? That didn’t make sense to me.

But other than that, I thought the movie was great. I could write a book about what makes “Captain America: The Fisrt Avenger” an awesome movie. It has the right blend of action, humor, romance, evil and fantasy. I give this movie an A- in my book!